The Rude Sniper
by TheGrangerChronicles
Summary: An old experimental short story about a man who sees everything, but says everything too. Everything in the wrong time and place. Review me if you want more! :)


The Red Sniper sat on the ledge of the RED fort and was pondering his life when the RED Pyro crept up on him and sneakily sat down next to him. "Murrrph!"

Sniper almost fell off his ledge. "Whaddya mean by that?"

Pyro just moved closer to him with a :3 face.

"Oh, don't you start. I've had enough of you and your match-making around here. One day, I'll just unmask you so we'll all see the what you've been hiding." He grumbled.

Pyro stared at Sniper with its soulless eyes. "Murr, murr, muurr... :C " Pyro stalked off to see if his good buddy Engie wanted to play Rock-Paper-Fire.

Sniper huffed into the now-empty air beside him and resigned himself to his lonesome ponder once again. It suddenly struck him that he wasn't the best at making friends. He hadn't meant to insult Pyro, he never meant to insult anyone, it just tended to happen. It was as if his mouth was on a completely different track to his brain.

And invisible hand suddenly squeezed his shoulder. He jumped, surprised at the contact. "Bloody spook," He sighed.

The sound of a de-cloaking Spy rang in his ear. " 'Ello, comrade." The Spy spoke in a heavy French accent. "I can see zat you have a little problem wiz your speaking, no? Would you like some help from a connoisseur le zee art of communication?"

Sniper raised an eyebrow and hugged his rifle closer. "Whaddya mean?"

"You want to be friends with everyone in zis team, but you cannot communicate zeez feelings."

"Yeah, 'cause I'm not a bloody poof, mate."

Spy leaned in and tapped his nose. "It is not a 'poof's' talent to make male friends."

Sniper leaned away, adjusting himself so they were an acceptable distance apart. "So, how would you help me?"

"I will teach you what to say and when to... shut up."

Sniper huffed miserably. "How'd you know I have a problem?"

"It was a tad obvious. Ah, here is le Scout. Now is your chance, no?"

Sniper panicked, watching the Bostonian swagger over the gangway, swinging his bat recklessly. "What? How am I s'posed to get good at this just like that?" He snapped his fingers just as the Spy cloaked.

"Just repeat after me, zat should do le trick."

Sniper swallowed nervously. Was he really that much of a wanker? He barely knew the first thing about holding someone's attention for more than two minutes. It was probably because of his penchant to collect the odious Jarate.

"Quick, call eem!"

Sniper obeyed. "Oi, Scout!"

The boy's head snapped up, his jaw slack and his eyes questioning. "Yeah, what?" He drawled.

"Uh..."

"Tell eem you want to apologise."

"What for?" Sniper suddenly remembered that day's fight, where he had failed to cover for the Scout and the boy had been sent to respawn before he even withdrew his gaze from the upper windows of the opposing fort. Scout's eyes were on him now, expecting him to speak. "Um – I'm sorry! For before! I mean, today. I messed up."

Scout scratched the back of his head and raised an eyebrow. "Yeahh, whatever." And sloped off to the RED fort entrance.

"Oi, get back here you little wa-" An invisible hand clamped over his mouth, knocking him back.

"Zat is enuff!" Spy's hand tightened, then released. "Zat... is where you stop."

Sniper nodded, trusting Spy's judgment even though he was inexplicably angry at the Scout's reaction. Spy de-cloaked and pointed at the last rays of light streaking over the map. "We should join ze others inside."

The team was seated around the dingy kitchen, eating their dinner and conversing loudly about the day's battle. Demoman was singing something raunchy, as usual, and Medic was complaining about the size of Archimedes' cage: "It shud be bigger! He cannot fly in zat think, let alone turn his head!"

It had been Heavy's turn to make dinner. Sniper and Spy walked in and grabbed sandwiches off the plate the great Russian offered them, and sat down at the table.

Engie raised his arm for attention. "Ahem. Ah have an important announcement tah make."

Every head in the kitchen turned to look at him, even if the singing continued.

"As y'all know, Ah've been makin' some adjustments tah thah Sentry that Ah think y'all feel the benefits of." He threw an envelope on the table and some cards slid out. Scout leaned over and grabbed the nearest one.

"Itsa photo! Hey, lookit that! Hah!" He flashed it around the table. "Dat's da guy dat headshotted me! Can I keep dis one?" Engie nodded sagely, a knowing smile on his face.

The photo had been captured from the sentry's turret, and showed a cascade of bullets ripping apart the BLU team's Sniper and the pained look on his face.

Sniper groaned, tipping his hat in his face to avoid the Scout's darting glance. The BLU Sniper had taken Scout to respawn, and seeing the face of the murderer just made him feel so _guilty_. He didn't mean to let anyone down. Especially not Scout.


End file.
